Sitting here, I never wish
I was anywhere else
I only wish somone else was here
Smiling at me while I think of something to say

But here I am framing the pages
Wish little drawings of hearts and stars
Thinking about someone who probably
Never thinks of me often, let alone the way I'd like

I can't find my pen but this lead will do
It helps me out when I think of you
Sometimes I think you're thinking of me too
That's like that keep me from being so blue

I ask myself
How could I ever hold the hand
Of someone walks around a floor of feeling
As if it were made of glass

I only want to be
A part of her anything
I only want to be
A part a masterpiece

I think I could waste a while
Spacing out just thinking of your smile
And I know I could take a while
Just waiting on myself to stop waiting for you

Cause I know if you weren't in the back of my mind
I'd pay no mind to life at all
And without something to keep me going
It's like taking all the pictures off my wall

"Notebook Masterpiece"

    Hey all. I guess I'm just in one of those moods again. Missing someone. It often feel like I'm just doing different reincarnations of the same situation hoping that things turn out differently. Different girls and I'm the same. I think that's the loop hole. I just can't change who I am to please people. And that's what relationships are based on. Pleasing someone, having something to offer.
   
    Statistically, I think that the number of single people far outway the couples. Yet, we often feel so alone. There's a line by Atreyu that goes, "I'll never need to see the sun again. There's enough light in your eyes to light up our little world." That's what those happy people have. Now when I say happy, I don't mean the folks who just started going out two days ago and have their myspace flooded with their newly aquired "other's" name. I'm talking about the people who are really happy with one another or who've convinced each other that they are.

    Essentially that's what people want, their own "little world". But the rest of that line by Atreyu goes, "And I'll never need to see the sun again. There's enough light in your eyes to light up our little world. So take me, take me away. Kill me slowly, I'll never be the same." To me, what this line shows two reason's why I despise that own "little world".

Reason 1: It makes you want a little world of your own. Something that will kill you slowly. All the while, it's making you smile, laugh, lust, and love. Sometimes, often in fact, I think I'd trade things that would I guess blunty be considered "long term happiness" for just a day in my own little world. And anything that makes me want to sacrifice real happiness for an illusion of it just doesn't sit well.

-End of Reason 1-

Reason 2: It just makes me angry at people would rather live in this illusion and slowly sufficate whatever sense of reason they used to have. They forget their family, their friend, school, and worst of all their dreams. It's like seeing a bunch of people lined up at a bridge (forgive the cliche) and asking, "Hey what are you guys doing?"

Only to be responded to with a "We're jumping off of this bridge onto the rocks below."

"So hitting the rocks won't kill you?"

"No silly! Ofcourse they will. We'll splatter and die very painfully. But the falling part is very fun. Wanna try?"

"Ehhh...no thanks."

-End of Reason 2-

So now you're thinking, "Jesse, you prude. You simply have a bleak outlook on relationships and seem them as something that takes people away from you and an emotional scuicide for yourself." And in one sense you are right. I think that this "own little world" thing just isn't healthy. But, you have heard the other part, the positive part. I guess we'll call it the "sharing my big world" thing.

Now, granted, "sharing my big world" lacks the romantic roll off of the tounge that "our own little world" does but here me out. So you're wondering how this works as opposed to the forementioned emotional scuicide. It's really quite simple. Instead of sacrificing what I call "idependent happiness" (haning out with friends, band practice, going to the movies w/ friends, ect.) or "long term happiness" (friends in general, family, your dreams, plans for your life, ect) you simply share all those things with that person and vice versa.

Now I understand that this is very similar to the "own little world" version of relationships but if you think about it, it just isn't. There still must be time made for each other. Time to be alone, time to talk, time to hold hands, time to just be there for one another. But, the difference is that this time is spent in a much larger world that isn't closed off where you are both isolated and all you have is one another.

So I guess the purpose of this blog, essentially, was just to vent and halfway explain to myself in black and white how I feel about relationships. So I guess that's the way I can describe what I want in love. I want to share my much larger world with someone else's much larger world, rather than just isolate myself with antoher person and our feelings for one another. Yep. There ya go. I started this blog out very sad and depressed, but here at the end I feel quite proud of myself for finally be able to explain the distinction I feel about these "worlds" we live in.

~Peace and Love~

The Jesse

My weakness is
Whatever you want
It to be tonight

I sleep silently
Waking up to your voice
Makes the day worth while

These days are changing
And I think the time has come
To look on the brighter side
Of our wasted lives

A morning will come
When you love me no more
So I’ll make the best (and forget the rest)

Get out of bed
And think things over again
Maybe then you’ll know the price
Of saying remember when

Wake up!
                      See the Light of day
Move on!
                    Pull yourself together

These are the bright ideas
For wasted lives
Live them again
But never change a thing

Regret is the worst kind of I told you so

"Bright Ideas For Wasted Lives" by Jesse Hicks

    So it's been more than a while since my last entry. Maybe this is a new leaf or sorts as far as blogging goes. So I guess that if nothing else I should fill in a blank or two in the blog. "Scene of the Crime" broke up before it's first show ever took place. But there were no hard feelings. Kevin Hunter left TF2F and joined "Diaries of the Fallen". I went with him on the bass guitar.

    School let out. I was still single and sort of loving it over the summer. I left DOTF foreseeing a few huge problems that will remain unlisted. It wasn't long before the project crashed and burnt. End of band #2. Kevin rejoined TF2F and they were at it once again jamming out at the practice shack. Warped Tour rocked everyone's faces off, nuff said. School started back, but not before TF2F broke up due to everyone going to seperate colleges, specifically Casey moving to California. But before they left, your's truley threw a HUGE farewell show.

    From there life just dragged on, school, work, writing stuff independently, and repeat. I still have all the same friends, and tons of new ones. About 6 weeks ago I couldn't stand it anymore and I decided to resurect what used to be "Scene of the Crime" (band #1) members just to jam out and see where things went. Since then I've been writing almost non-stop, even though most of it barley makes it past my own personal chopping block. Incase you've forgot old SOTC had Jesse (me!) on lead vocals and guitar, Jake on drums and vocals, and Roy on bass.

    We quickly added Justin (Tu Khuul 4 Skool) on lead guitar and I moved on to vocals only, though I'm filling in on the other guitar until we find our #2 guitarist. Also, we added Asa (pronounced Ace-uh) on keyboard and neato synth stuff. And we decided to drop the name "Scene of the Crime" and decided not to have a name slapped on our foreheads until we were absolutley sure we were ready for out first show or a demo. We've opted for the long makeshift name of "That skinny lead singer who screams well, the drummer who rocks so hard his ADD goes away for a little while (just kidding Jake), the bassist hippe gansta that never stops moving, the wigger kid (For the record Asa isn't a wigger at all) that plays keyboards and can't dance yet, and the quiet but talented guitarist with diabetes!" for the time being. Though we're thinking about shortening it down sometime.

    The worst thing about life latley is the loss of our dear friend Kevin (lead guitarist of TF2F). He died in a car crash almost a week ago and it has been a tragedy for everyone who knew him. And though we all miss him dearly I find comfort in knowing that he knew God in his heart and that he is in heaven now. Also, everyone I know looked up to him musically and as a person, so we will keep making music in honor of our "Kevboob". That leaves me here, determined to be like the pheonix and rise from the ashes of lost.

    And as for the song, it's an older one from around the time I stopped posting blogs. I thought it was appropriate. The line "regret is the worst kind of I told you so" is one of my favorite lines I've ever written. It basically says not to let people know you regret anything because it lets them thing they've gotten the best of you. Just don't regret anything or anyone you truley loved and you'll always come out on top. That's about it. I don't know how many people are still on Xanga that I used to know but if you read it at all leave me a comment. That would make me feel really special.

~Peace and Love~

The Jesse